It starts slowly. It builds within you, starting with a slight increase of the beating of your heart. Your body temperature begins to rise and your hands begin to feel moist. Despite the amount of water you’ve consumed over the course of the day, your mouth begins to feel like it’s warmed by the heat of desert winds and your lips begin to crinkle from the lack of saliva. You try and lick them, to give them the much needed moisture they deserve but your pasty tongue does little more than reassure you that you’re in a rough place. Did she just notice me do that? Your heart beats faster and sweat gathers on your brow. You’ve spent the last hour talking over coffee with one of the most wonderful people you’ve ever met online. Now, with only moments left in your first date, your cup is empty and you are struggling to figure out if you’re capable of putting a wet one on them. Relax! It’s only your first date, after all.

The first kiss is a monumental step for a new relationship. It’s the one that breaks down boundaries and gives a voice to what two people have been feeling inside for each other. But it’s not always clear when the first kiss should happen. Thoughts on this range from kissing whenever the moment strikes you to waiting until you forget what kissing is all about before even attempting it. This also depends on geographic and cultural beliefs, but for this article, we’re going to concentrate on what’s acceptable in North American culture with two people looking to build a relationship based on something beyond physical intimacy.

“You never kiss on a first date?” asked a woman I went out with once. “That’s so contrived. You need to feel out the situation and judge it on its merits. If the moment is right, it doesn’t matter if you’ve only known each other for an hour.” This was the response I received after a discussion on the right moment for the first kiss. Two clear points come from this incident.

Firstly, being able to tell when a kiss on the lips is a good move can be difficult even for the most seasoned pro. No matter what your experience level is with dating, never kissing on the lips on a first date is a safe and recommended choice for anyone who isn’t 100 percent positive. If they want to kiss you, they will certainly still want to the next time you go out. If they don’t want to be kissed, it’s basically assault to lay one on an unwilling party. You’ll never lose major points by holding back on a first date. If you do, they’re probably after something else besides a relationship, which is all fine and well, but those types of relationships aren’t the focus here. There’s a lot of pressure around the kiss. Kissing doesn’t come with every dating situation—just the special ones. The lips are off limits until you’re sure they’re ready. Even then it’s an art. We’ll discuss that in a moment, but a kiss on the cheek at the beginning and end of a date is as far as you should go if you have any desire to make it to date number two.

"No matter what you think you know, you really don’t know a damn thing until someone kisses you back—or slaps you if you judged poorly."

The second point that comes out of the story of my date was that it’s not always a bad idea to probe a situation—to test the waters. I don’t recall who brought up the conversation of kissing, but judging how the date ended with both of us battling it out in a serious contest of tongue strength, it doesn’t really matter who. What does matter is that a little bit of conversation can help save the day and assure you you’re both on the same page. If you can talk about it and there’s an understanding that a kiss is quite acceptable, then it’s on to the next step of ensuring you're doing it right.

No matter what you think you know, you really don’t know a damn thing until someone kisses you back—or slaps you if you judged poorly. Save yourself the pain with the three-quarters rule. If you are getting all the signs that a date is going well and a kiss is on the horizon, first off... BREATHE! Don’t worry about the moist palms and the beating of your heart, but it might be a good idea to drink some water and moisten those lips immediately before. When it’s that time, move slowly. Bring your head closer to theirs and look them in the eye. Your look will tell them all they need to know. Whatever you do, stop three-quarters of the way to them and wait. If they want to kiss you, they’ll come the rest of the way. If not, you can ask them if they wouldn’t mind checking if you have anything in your teeth. Although less than poetic, you may find it easier to handle than the apparent rejection of a kiss.

First kisses have no set rules. Life would be so much easier if there were. If you’re unsure about a kiss on the lips, the cheek is usually a great and non-threatening way to start. You’ll never go wrong by opening the floor to discussions on the issue and you might just find out something you need to know. When the timing is right, go slow and ensure they’re ready for it. The first kiss is always a moment to remember, so take the time to make sure it’s perfect for you both!