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January 22, 2007
Avoiding the Parent Trap
Growing up, I spent more time around adults than I did with people my own age. That's why perhaps when I was in my twenties I really wanted to grow up fast. I had a couple exes that were considerably older if not wiser than I was. Nevertheless, having dated supposedly more mature or at least more experienced individuals taught me some valuable lessons.
However, rather than get all Freudian about looking for lovers to replace mothers or fathers, I think in any relationship the same dynamic can happen. Sometimes, one or the other partner thinks he or she knows best and will try to direct the other. I can tell you, that it leads less often to another personal growth and more often to arguments and rebellion.
Needing to guide someone or give unwanted free advice may indeed be almost pathological in some people. It seems to have less to do with age and more just to do with personality. Not just in romantic relationships but in friendship or even at work. You know there's always one colleague who behaves as if they have more authority than he or she does.
Having a take-charge attitude might be ambitious but other times, workmates who behave in such a manner often take credit for the accomplishments of others while placing blame on others for their own mistakes. I always say with power comes responsibility, so if you want to steal my thunder expect to feel the shock when lightening strikes and a project gets fried.
I won't say I had to listen to someone with no authority over me, but I will coyly say that I figured from his or her behavior, he or she knew what they were doing. It's passive-aggressive I know but it tends to put an end to trying to tell me what to do. I only would do it at work if I knew that it wouldn't damage my reputation or my overall productivity too much.
On the romance front, it's taken me until almost 35 to realize the direct approach is far better. When I was 10 years younger, I was often called argumentative and emotional. Now, sometimes I'm too agreeable and go too long without being honest about not liking when someone tries to be too controlling. I recognize the in my last relationship, I pushed my ex over the edge by never openly disagreeing.
Some folks seem have to be told outright that since you're both adults, helpful advice is appreciated but parenting is not. Humoring them or placating them with half-hearted adherence only leads to frustration and betrayal, when finally you do decide to standup for yourself and say enough is enough.
Posted by Will at January 22, 2007 2:03 AM
