Cupids Dating Blog

The problem with free relationship advice, like pretty much anything that's free, is that it's often not worth the time it takes to process it. I have one buddy who is always trying to give me dating tips. This has little to do with my needing or wanting said advice and virtually nothing at all to do with my best interests. It's mostly an excuse to pontificate on his demented theories about human nature or thinly masked attempts at bragging.

I had a bunch of friends over for dinner one night and, after everyone else had gone home, he started asking me about one of the girls that had been there. He starts explaining that she's into me and I should really do something about it. I explain to him that she has a long-standing boyfriend who I know and like, so it would be slimy to try and pull anything, not likely to work even if I felt like being slimy, and it would be a dumb way to screw up a good friendship.

Most sane people would then change the subject, but my friend sits in my living room, drinking my scotch and saying things like, "Yeah, that's good. Act like you're supportive of her relationship, that's a good strategy." This is one of my best friends, so I can't punch him. In most respects he's an excellent human being, but in the sphere of unsolicited, free dating advice, his is the source of the best advice never to take. No matter what dire straights you're in, never ask a friend like him how to get over a relationship that's ended. Trust me: You'll be disturbed by what you hear.

The most annoying thing about my friend's advice is that in its own way it's pretty good advice. He's studied just enough psychology to be a danger to society and he pays a lot of attention to how people interact. If you're willing to admit that the dating scene is a game, then you'd have to concede he plays it rather well. The problem is that while I'd like to settle down into a good relationship, I'm simply not willing to play that game as my friend sees it. Call me naïve, but I don't think people should play games with each other.

There is a book called The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov. It's an insane story about the devil showing up in Moscow to throw a party. I won't get into it, except to say that the book also has the best, most concise romance story I've every come across.

It's very simple. There's a guy walking down the street who see a woman he thinks is absolutely beautiful. Like a guy will when he sees a beautiful woman, he imagines what could be between them if he had the courage or the excuse to strike up a conversation. Unconsciously, he follows her as she turns onto another street. Just as he's about to turn off somewhere so he doesn't bother her she steps closer to him and asks, "Do you like my flowers?" The man looks at the flowers she is holding, a type he happens to despise, and says, "No." She looks disappointed, takes a few more steps and throws the flowers in the gutter. The man, naturally, feels like a complete imbecile. He picks up the flowers and catches up with her to apologize and give them back. She refuses to take them and the man is then walking along, bewildered, holding flowers that he hates.

I love this image. The beautiful woman, the ineffectual man, the absurd power dynamic played out over some stupid flowers. Then it gets better. The woman grabs the flowers from his hand and tosses them back in the gutter, and they start talking.

That's the end. All the game-playing summed up in a couple of paragraphs, during the time it takes to walk a city block. Relationships shouldn’t be more complicated or more tactical than that.

Like I said, I'm probably naïve.